The Fire Ant Gazette - A Midland, Texas Blog

One of these things is not like the other, but I forget which

July 22, 2014 9:01 PM | Posted in: Cars, Navel Gazing

Oh, hello. I didn't notice you standing there, in the shadows. You're quite patient, considering how long it's been since I've come around. Perhaps you should take up a hobby.

Anyway, as long as you're here, please allow me to share a cautionary tale. It's a simple story about what happens when you reach a certain age and find that your own cleverness begins to backfire on you. Here's an example:

Exhibit A...or is it B? I forget.

In case you don't recognize it, this is a trailer hitch lock, used to secure a ball mount in a receiver. This particular model has a keyed lock on one end, and therein lies the problem.

As you can tell, the lock has been violated in a most destructive way. In other words, it's been sawn in two. And I did it my own self, as a solution to a vexing problem.

That problem arose not when I put the lock through the mount of our hitch-mounted luggage rack to dissuade thieves while the rack was being stored outside the garage, nor when I put the key away for safekeeping until I needed the rack.

No, the problem arose when I wanted to use the rack last weekend...and couldn't remember where I put the key.

I have approximately 800 loose keys stored in various drawers, cabinets, cubbyholes, nooks, niches, crannies, recesses, and alcoves, and I tried every one of them - twice - and never found the right one. I gave up on the luggage carrier; fortunately, we didn't really need it after all.

But when we returned, I decided that I'd spent enough time looking for a solution, and not enough time creating one. Out came the angle grinder (did you know Target sells them?) equipped with a silicon carbide wheel, on went the gloves, safety glasses, and hearing protector...and the sparks flew. In a few minutes, one problem was solved.

The bigger problem remains, the one without an elegant solution. It's the problem of how to deal with the accumulation of years that results in the inability to remember simple things like where did I put that [fill in the blank]?

Every person will eventually have to deal with that issue in whatever way seems most appropriate for them. For me, I plan to apply a healthy dose of denial (I'm pretty sure someone stole the "hidden" key, and it's not my fault). In addition, I might just buy a 2015 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat, and let the dulcet tones of its 707 horsepower and 650 lb-ft of torque make the journey into forgetfulness much more adventuresome.

Heck, I may even put a trailer hitch on it.

Coming soon to a beach near you: OK, you don't really want to know

June 27, 2014 10:26 PM | Posted in: Animals & Pets, Technology

As if there's not enough biting going on at the World Cup, we now learn that the Shark Attack Capital of Brazil is Recife, where the US team lost/won yesterday. Apparently, the sharks in that area are feisty enough that the beach lifeguards do their training in a swimming pool, a practice that no doubt engenders all sorts of confidence in Brazilian beach goers.

Brazil is pretty far from Texas...but that doesn't mean we're safe, and now we can see just how unsafe we are thanks to the OCEARCH Global Shark Tracker, which shows real time updates of the movement of sharks that have been tagged for satellite tracking. Granted, it's a very cool use of technology, even if it serves to reinforce the feeling that in some things, ignorance is indeed bliss.

This is particularly true in the case of Katharine and Betsy, sweet feminine names for cold-blooded eating machines otherwise known as Great White Sharks. These ladies have made their way 5,000 and 3,500 miles, respectively, from Cape Cod into the Gulf of Mexico, with movement roughly in the direction of Texas and Louisiana. Thanks to the OCEARCH website, you can assess whether it truly is safe to go back in the water.

Sort of. Because two questions come to my mind. First, shark tracking works only when the beasts surface long enough (at least 90 seconds) for the satellite to get a geoposition. Since sharks are fish and don't have to surface other than to snack on a tasty surfer, the truth is that we don't really know where these sharks are or are heading. And, more importantly, only a relative handful of sharks have been tagged, meaning that potentially billions more are right this minute heading for your shoreline...or riverbed...or lake house...

Fortunately for us, bicycling has been shown over the years to be a relatively shark-free endeavor. Still...

Return of the Quail

June 15, 2014 3:06 PM | Posted in: Animals & Pets, Nature

As an alert and perceptive Gazette reader, you no doubt recall this time last year when I undertook to stalk the wily blue quail residing in our landscape. I was able to see but not photograph the two baby birds that the adults were protecting. And shortly afterward, the entire family moved out, apparently tired of nosy neighbors.

Well, I'm happy to report that either (1) they don't hold a grudge, or (b) the alternatives were even less hospitable, because the quail family is back...with a vengeance.

After seeing signs of their dirt-scratching in our flowerbeds, we finally spotted the whole clan - two adults and nine (NINE!) babies foraging in the lawn yesterday. Occasionally, one of the adults (the male, I'm guessing), took a break from scratching for lookout duty.

That keen-eyed stare is designed to deter the most aggressive of predators, although he could possibly just be pondering the meaning of life.

Anyway, I also managed to take the following 2 1/2 minute video of the industrious family. It's not the best footage - it was taken through some windows, between the slats of shutters, but I think the terminal cuteness of the babies comes through nonetheless.

I say manly affection; you say assault and battery. ToMAYto, ToMAHto.

June 9, 2014 8:16 PM | Posted in: Fashion

Since time immemorial, it's been the duty of uncles to harass nephews at every turn, particularly during family reunions. This is a manly way of displaying affection without, you know, being affectionate. Both sides know their roles, generally speaking, and the tradition is passed down through the generations.

I have only one nephew, and that by marriage, but I've taken my harassment responsibilities quite seriously, especially this year due to his absence last year while vacationing at the Army's expense in the beautiful and luxurious surroundings of Afghanistanistania.

Thus, at the culmination of last weekend's reunion in Fredericksburg, Texas, I was at the hotel's front desk, waiting to check out, and several of our group was saying their goodbyes behind me, The Nephew included. He was dressed in khaki cargo shorts, black t-shirt and black ball cap (these details are important, so pay attention). There was a bit of a delay while the clerk struggled with the computer, and so I turned around and spotted The Nephew looking down at his phone and took the opportunity to rap the bill of his cap several times in a fairly aggressive manner. Even as I did so, I thought, why in the Sam Hill is he wearing that cap; has he lost his mind, wearing a black Texas Longhorn hat?

I then looked down at the black Longhorn t-shirt the khaki cargo-shorted stranger behind me was wearing, just as he looked up with a shocked expression, wondering who was accosting him. He was almost exactly the same height and build as you-know-who, but with much less manly affection in his eyes.

I briefly considered whether I could successfully feign blindness ("Adam...Adam...is that you, my boy?") but figured that without a white cane, it would be hard to pull off. So I stifled, somewhat successfully, my laughter and apologized profusely, pointing out that he could have been a clone* of the guy who previously was standing behind me but who was now off to the side NOT successfully stifling his laughter. The stranger did not share my amusement. Go figure.

I'm sure there's a moral to this story, but for me the takeaway is gratitude that The Nephew isn't a bodybuilding linebacker defense attorney type.

*I thought of an awesome pun involving the word "clone," but by the time I got to my computer, I forgot it. If you can remember it, let me know. K'thx.

Note: I put this post into the "Fashion" category because (1) I didn't have another one that seemed to fit, and (B) you know, the clothes.